Ask Napoleon
Have you a question for the cock-faced Emperor of the French Republique? Napoleon will answer anything you ask with CAST IRON FACTS*. Leave your queries below and he’ll get back to you.
*Facts may not be cast iron
In Through The Out Door But Then Back In Again II
Stuff about stuff with a wasp and things
January 8, 2007 at 2:19 pm |
Dear Napolean
Am I right in thinking the Allies won World War Two? Or was it the Germans?
January 8, 2007 at 2:40 pm |
Zut alors! Ma first one and it iz difficulte! According to ma encyclopaediuuurrrz zat I keep by my bed, it waz ze Jermaines zat won ze waaaaarrr. So Tommy, you are wrong! I spuuuunk in your face la batarde!
January 10, 2007 at 1:16 pm |
Apologies Mr Bonaparte for posting my question in the wrong area.
Napoleon, how come your head is made up of a cock and two balls?
Also – have you been watching Celebrity Big Brother recently? I tihnk Jack whois jayd gudys wife is welfit!!!!!!! waht doyou thnks>?????
January 10, 2007 at 1:35 pm |
Ne pas soucier de lui vous baisant le bâtard! Your question iz eeen two paaarts. Zis ees ma answer vous le fils d’une chienne!
1. Ma face eez a beeeg cock and balls because ma deaderly enemy ze Duke of Wellington (oo iz five times larger zan maself) iz draping ‘is cock and balls over ma face eeen victory. Ah can do nossing to stop ‘im as I ‘ave recently lost ze Battle of Waterloo. Merde!
2. No ah ‘ave not been watching ze Beeg Bruzzer. And your comment about zis Jaques leads me to believe you are a homosexual. Eeeef ah ‘ad ma way I wuuurd ‘ave you shot! Déviant!
January 11, 2007 at 9:27 am |
HELLO NAPOLEON MY GEOGRAPHY TEACHER TOLD ME FRANCE IS SMALLER THAN AFRICA IS THAT TRUE BYE
January 11, 2007 at 1:13 pm |
Monsieur Tits
Ah ‘ave luurked on a map zat ma wife Josephine keeps een ze ‘ouse for emergencies. l’Afrique ees 6 eenches long whereas La France ees 7 eenches wide. So your géographie teacher eees a feeelthy LIAR. And you, mon ami, are a festereeeng bol de merde! Pédophile!
January 20, 2007 at 10:40 am |
Napoleaon
What do you make of the accusations of rascism levelled at Big Brother? And what’s the best way to remove red wine stains from soft furnishings?
Thankyou
January 21, 2007 at 11:32 am |
Do you know when my birthday is? Over the years I’ve been steadily destroying my brain with alcohol abuse and for the life of me, I can’t remember when I was born. I can’t even remember the year. I’ve a feeling I’m an Aries and have vague memories of watching Mr Benn and Why Don’t You as a child, which would suggest I was born some time in the early to mid 1970’s. Other than that it’s all a complete blank, I’m afraid. I know this isn’t much to go on but if you could tell me when my birthday is before my birthday, it would really help with organising any appropriate celebrations – particularly if it is a significant event like my 21st or my 40th! Thanks for your help, you unspeakablely obscene, deformed mutant.
January 22, 2007 at 1:09 pm |
JK Rowlings
NAPOLEON! NAPOLEON! NAPOLEON! ‘Ow DARE you get ma name wrong you eeeeegnorant beeetch! Je viens le rond votre maison et spunking dans votre visage – vous voyez si je ne fais pas ! Ah don’t watch ze Beeg Bruzzer, Ah don’t care about ze rascism, and ma wife Josephine deals weeeeth ze seats. Christ Tout-puissant!
Monsieur Le Shit
‘Ow am Ah supposed to know when your birzday eeees eh? What eeees zis Meester Bean? Cochon ! Créature ! Chier le chien ! Pourquoi vous faire me charge avec vos questions dégoûtantes, pédophile anglais !
Ma wife sinks you werrrrrre born eeeen 1975 … TRAITRE !
January 29, 2007 at 11:08 am |
Nappy
I hope you don’t mind my calling you ‘Nappy’. How in the name of flipping heck do I get the gypsies to stop pinching crumbs, cake mix and almonds from my bird table? They’re always there, with their bushy tails and sharp incisors, scaring away even the bold starlings.
Is it legal to shoot gypsies?
Regards.
January 29, 2007 at 11:33 am |
Hmmm.
Ah wuuuurnce ‘ad a voleur de gitan try to steal ma wife Josephine’s slip, soutien-gorge, et godemiché de douze-vitesse fruuuuurm ze washing-line in ze back jardin. I tuuuurk sight on ‘im wiz ma pistole and shot ‘im in ze arses. Ces crochets dégoûtants devraient être abattus ! ABATTU ! !
January 29, 2007 at 1:45 pm |
‘allo ‘allo cocker
is the london underground a tram or train system…..and why?
my money is on ‘tram’ and want to feel that ‘warm spreading feeling’ when Transport for London have to change their literature cos they’ve got it wrong for years!!
bye (I cant spell au revoir)
January 29, 2007 at 2:05 pm |
Le fils d’une chienne!
Ah wuuuuuuuurnce went to London wiz ma wife Josephine after a niiiight of rough sex made ‘er bleed from ‘er anus. We saw many of ze seeeengs you Eeeenglish feeeeelth ‘old dear, suuuuurch as la Colonne de Nelson, le Palais de Buckingham, le Phillip de Prince raciste et l’Oeil de Londres. Eeeet wuuurz all sheeet save for ze Preeeence Phillip oooo amuzed Josephine weeez ‘is fuuuuurny stories about black peoples.
While ma wife ‘ad ‘er anus sewn uuuurp bah wuuuuurn of your ‘Arrrrrrrrrley Street docteurs, Ah ‘ad ze occasion to veeeseeeet ze Londres Unnerground to experience ‘ow ze lower orderrrrrz travel to and from zere worseless jobz. Eeeet wuuuurz a verrrry strange place.
I sink eeeet iz a système de tramway … zo eeet may be an entraîner le système. Duuuuurze zis answer your question? You fils d’une prostituée de la prostituée suçant sur la mésange d’un chien! Bâtard! Voleur! Abuseur enfant! Pédophile! VIVE LA FRANCE!
February 8, 2007 at 1:21 am |
Dear Napoleon
What are the chances your friend Ben will give me my George Forman grill back? He’s had it for quite a while and I don’t recall it being a gift.
Dave
PS Have I a cat in hell’s chance of it being clean?
February 9, 2007 at 10:18 am |
Bâtard ! Meurtrier ! Déviant sexuel ! Comment oser vous questionne Napoleon de telles questions insignifiantes ? Voleur ! Abuseur enfant ! Je ne soigne pas où votre espèce de gril vous est le fils d’une prostituée ! Je suis Napoleon – Emporer de France ! Je ne soigne pas pour vos banalités ! Pédophile ! Enfoncer votre gril en haut votre derrière votre mou cochon dégoûtant ! Cunt avec cancer ! Vive la France!
February 22, 2007 at 8:43 am |
on the money again bruv
February 23, 2007 at 2:21 pm |
Banshee
What ees zis? Where ees your question? Vous devez être le coup! Vous condamner! Suis pourquoi j’ai entouré par traitors? Vive la révolution!
March 5, 2007 at 6:02 pm |
Hello Napoleon.
How do you feel about the Abba song ‘Waterloo’?
Do you dance to it at parties?
April 18, 2007 at 1:23 pm |
Fuuuuuuuurk YOU! L’enfant importune le fils une mésanges de la prostituée ! Je vous baise ! Je VOUS BAISE !