Teenagers And How To Stop Them

I’m often asked how we solve the problem of the country’s growing teenage gang culture. “Why, easily!” is my stock answer, “Throw ‘em in a trench and dissolve ‘em all with potassium and quick-lime!” Apparently this is ‘inhumane’ according to the politically correct mob, so here are a few other suggestions that won’t see me brought before the Nuremberg beak for supposed ‘crimes against humanity’ …

Happy Slap ‘Em Back

Why not? Teenagers would soon get the idea this sort of random infliction of violence isn’t much fun when the shoe’s on the other foot. I propose councils set up a network of licenced happy-slapping patrols that will trawl shopping precincts, public parks and the back of Tesco’s looking for teenagers. When they find them hanging around being anti-social, they can slap ‘em around until they’re half-dead while filming the whole shebang on their mobiles. As well of stopping kids whacking citizens about for no reason, it would have the added advantage of giving off-duty nightclub bouncers something to do other than eating bananas and being involved in low-level organised crime.

Make Them Swallow Rabbit Shit Preventatively

On a child’s thirteenth birthday, he or she should be forced to swallow a pound of rabbit shit. Once the punishment has been administered the father – for this is man’s work – should tell the child “There’ll be plenty more where that came from” if he or she strays from the path of righteousness. Later, when a child enters the choppy waters of full-blown adolescence, any infraction from ‘Lack Of Respect’ to ‘Stabbing A Headmaster In The Face With An Ice-Axe’ could be met with the administering of another pound’s worth of rabbit shit. This is the sort of punishment former miscreants will chuckle over in later life as they, too, force rabbit shit down their own children’s throats while saying it never did THEM any harm.

White Dog Shit Walkabout

Slightly less harsh than forcing small children to eat rabbit shit is White Dog Shit Walkabout. Any teenager found guilty of stealing cars, beating up old ladies, or posting photos of his balls on Flickr is banished to the wilderness in a loin-cloth with a big spear. He is told not to come back until he has hunted down and trapped a lump of white dog shit (Crappus Elusivus Canis), a sight now so rare in Britain that children born after 1987 think it an urban legend. To stop him simply joining another family, or painting brown dog shit white, his face should be branded with the legend “I AM HUNTING FOR WHITE DOG SHIT AS PUNISHMENT FOR BEING A DISGRACE TO MY FAMILY” and his hands should be removed from the end of his arms. I understand this could hurt a bit.

Three Tit Loudspeaker Nose-Bollock Bladder-Sign Public Humiliation Extraordinaire

We all know how annoyingly shy and embarrassed teenage girls get. Well imagine how bloody awful they’d feel if, after committing some minor crime, they had an extra tit glued on in between the other two, a loudspeaker nailed to one hand announcing “I’M FAT! I’M FAT! I’M FAT!” over and over ad infitum, a pair of horse’s balls sellotaped to the end of their nose, and a sign glued to the other hand that read “CHRIST I NEED A PISS!”. Try hiding behind your hand with that lot hanging off you, you disrespectful little madam! I guarantee that, were this punishment to be implicated, crime committed by teenage girls would drop by 100%.

Throw Them In A Trench And Dissolve Them All With Potassium And Quick-Lime

I still reckon this one’s got wings.

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