Letter To The Mattel Toy Company

Dear Mr. Mattel
 
I’ve been aching to get into toy-designing ever since last year when I lost my job as a panel-beater and my world turned to utter, utter shit. With everyone from the bailiffs to bloody Brighthouse banging on my door looking to squeeze what little money I have left, I thought I’d best get my arse in gear and actually design something before I’m reduced to living under a bridge. This (see below) is what I’ve come up with. I call it ‘Aslan in Vietnam’ and it’s based on the lion with the voice of him out of Schindler’s List (the one with the Jews) from a film I saw with the kids before the wife left me and took ‘em away with her to her mother’s in Cambridge.
 
I know for a FACT kids (well … not girls) love war and fighting and stuff and I reckon they’ll be happy as pigs dipped in shit to receive this little beauty in their Christmas stockings. Indeed, if you packaged it together with a boat from an Action Man they could play with it all year round probably. It is your mob what makes Action Man isn’t it? Not that they’re half as good as they were when I was a boy. You used to sell ‘em in Nazi uniforms and stuff – believe you me, World War II never went the Allies’ way in MY house.
 
Anyway, can you make the cheque out to Rossendale’s Certificated Bailiffs, Rossendale, Lancashire? I’m within a rat’s cock of losing my television and the sooner you get this bugger into Toys ‘R’ Us the quicker I can have the boards off my windows.
 
I’ve not seen daylight in eight weeks.
 
Yours
 
B P Perry

(Click to enlarge)