Africa’s a hell of a place to live … ’specially if you’re a young lady who’s only possession in this cruel world is 5.5 million dollars …
FROM MIRIAM
RUE 6 BP 01COCODY ABIDJAN
COTE D IVOIRE.
DEAREST ONE,
I KNOW MY MESSAGE WILL COME TO YOU AS A SURPRISE SINCE I DONT KNOW YOU IN PERSON OR MET WITH YOU BEFORE BUT AM OF THE BELIVE THAT YOU WOULD BE OBLIGED TO COME TO MY ASSISTANCE AFTER HEARING ABOUT MY SITUATION.
I AM MIRIAM KOLO,18 YEAR OLD GIRL, I WAS FORMELY A MEDICAL STUDENT OF UNIVERSITY OF ABIDJAN,IVORY COAST WEST AFRICA.LATE LAST YEAR OCTOBER 2006,THE REBELS IN MY COUNTRY STRUCK OUR TOWNSHIP AND KILL MY PARENTS BECAUSE MY FATHER WAS AN OPPOSITION LEADER TO THE PRESIDENT OF MY COUNTRY IVORY COAST .BEFORE HIS DEATH HE HAS $5.5 M USD (Five Million , FiveHundred Thousand dollars.)IN A DOMICILIARY ACCOUNT WITH A BANK IN COTE D IVOIRE WHICH I AM THE NEXT OF KIN.
PLEASE I NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE IN THE FOLLOWING WAYS.
1)TO SERVE AS THE GUARDIAN OF THIS FUND SINCE I AM ONLY 18.
2)TO PROVIDE A BANK ACCOUNT WHERE THIS MONEY WOULD BE TRANSFERRED TO.
3)TO MAKE ARRANGEMENT FOR ME TO COME OVER AFTER THIS MONEY IS TRANSFERRED TO COMPLETE MY STUDIES.
4)TO LOOK FOR A GOOD VENTURE WHERE THIS MONEY WILL BE INVESTED,I AM WILLING TO OFFER YOU 20% OF TH TOTAL SUM AS COMPENSATION OF YOUR EFFORT AND 5% FOR ANY OTHER EXPENCE YOU MADE AFTER A SUCCESFUL TRANSFER.
THANKS AND GOD BLESS YOU
SINCERELY
MIRIAM
O’course … being the philanthropic type, I was only too willing to come to the aid of this damsel-in-distress, after a fashion …
Miriam
My apologies for not replying to your e-mail straight away – I’ve an in-growing toenail on my foot that’s been giving me gyp since Friday, and I’ve spent the weekend working away at the bugger with the business end of a Stanley Knife. Thankfully I managed to wrench the offending nail loose during Top Gear – not such great news for my other half, sadly, as she took a direct hit in the eye and had to spend the rest of the night up to her ears in Optrex.
Sorry to hear about your parents being murdered by those rebels – though on the upside Christmas must be cheap … every cloud and all that! Actually, my mother foolishly cleared off to Africa on safari once and went down with the most frightful stomach-ache that my father (whoreson gadabout that he is) reliably informed me put the old bird out of action, sex-wise, for a month! Your Dark Continent’s best avoided, I reckon.
Anyway that’s by the by … these things you need doing – I’d be only too happy to oblige as long as you don’t mind me:
1. Stealing your money and using it to open a pizza restaurant where pizza is strictly OFF THE MENU
2. Abusing my position as your legal guardian … I’m a sexual man, Miriam, m’dear, and if I’m scratching your back, you’re damn-well scratching mine (and by that I don’t mean my ACTUAL back) – comprende?
3. Making you use your extensive medical knowledge to cure my elderly grandfather of his distressing anal problems. He’s a ‘hands-on’ man, Miriam, I warn you now, and his arse has caused many a medical professional to shriek and die when unleashed from its hell-spawned underpants.
If these terms are alright with you, please don’t hesitate to reply. I’m not available Fridays, mind, as I spend them shooting children and generally being disagreeable.
Yours
Brigadier-General Sir BP Perry VC (ret’d)
